Sitting in front of my computer on the eve of this bad dream finally coming to an end, I can’t help but think back on the last 25 months and wonder, “Is it really over?”
I’ll return to work tomorrow with dozens of questions going through my mind; Will I like the people? Will I like the job? How long before I’m not considered the new guy anymore? The biggest question however is this; After over two years of unemployment, will I still be able to perform as well as I once did.
Let me back up a minute; Technically this isn’t my first time back to work, I was employed for three days last week. After going for so long without a single job offer, I finally received one about two weeks ago from a place I’ll call Company A. I immediately accepted the position, and while I didn’t continue to look for employment, I still had some active applications floating around out there. As (luck?) would have it, after Company A hired me I received two more offers in rapid succession. I have a friend who always assured me that one day this would happen, and another who warned me that God has a weird sense of humor when it comes to these types of things. How each of them knew this I don’t know, but they both turned out to be correct. Already employed by Company A, I rejected offer number 2 from Company B. However, offer number 3 from Company C was one that I really felt drawn to, I honestly believe it’s where God was leading me, and because of that, it’s where I’ll attempt to resurrect my career tomorrow morning. Still, in the course of an embarrassing and difficult resignation meeting with my new ex-boss at Company A, I kept asking myself, “Dale, how can you work 33 years with one company and 3 days with the next? Even though I had another job already lined up, it felt wrong to let one go after struggling for so long to get it. It scared me then and it still frightens me now. Apparently fear is the mindset of the unemployed.
For the last two years I’ve wanted to write a post about how it feels to suddenly find yourself out of work, explain to everyone whose never experienced it, what it feels like. The problem is I can’t do justice to the emotions. It’s hard to explain how you feel when overnight your job is no longer buying widgets, your job is now finding a job.
Instead of waking up at 5:30 AM, taking a shower, grabbing a cup of coffee, getting in your car, and heading for the office, worry wakes you up at 2:30 AM. You walk to the kitchen, punch a wall, grab a cup of coffee, turn on the computer, and begin to look for jobs that at some point you become convinced you’re not going to get anyway. Your search becomes a routine rather than a quest.
Your days off are no longer special or fun because everyday is your day off.
You apply for dozens of jobs a week and still feel guilty that you haven’t tried hard enough. If you’re lucky, you have a family like mine, who continually encourages you and reassures you that none of this is your fault, but you can never seem to convince yourself that it’s the truth.
While you dearly love the friends who will call just to see how you’re doing, you can’t help but obsess over the ones who long ago stopped calling.
In nearly every conversation, you find yourself talking about the fact that you can’t find a job. You honestly don’t want to bring up the subject because you know everyone is tired of it, they’ve heard it from you a hundred times. Your mind is telling you to “Shut up!” but your mouth just keeps moving, you can’t help yourself because you’re consumed by it.
As badly as you need a job, part of you doesn’t want one for fear of failure. Your confidence has eroded, there’s an uneasiness in re-entering the work force; What if this happens to me again?
The list goes on and on.
Unemployment can destroy lives in so many ways. Some, like me, are fortunate enough to eventually find work again, but there are also those who’ve literally died trying. If you know someone in this struggle, pick up the phone and call them. They’ll be happy to know they haven’t been forgotten.
Breakthrough, at long last! Wow. And with a selection! God is a slowpoke, and he indeed has a sense of humor, but from my experience he fashions/allows our “islanding” with purpose. Sucks in this reality, but like the verse says, “…and after you have suffered a little while…”. A little while?! Egads. Doesn’t mean I haven’t thrown many-a-fist at him though. It bites the big one, as you well know.
Sometimes, too, this means being islanded from certain people, especially when many don’t know what to say or do, and the waiting and pain are symptoms they can’t relieve for you. But that onion usually has more layers, and not all voices are what we need, for a host of reasons, so those doors close. Confusing, maybe even hurtful, but all part of renewal. We’re left to face certain journeys short a few peeps, and in the coping we shout, cry, pound, snarl, beg, crawl, then get up and walk through it, and if we’re willing, He’s with us, ready to counsel, befriend, and heal.
Right you are to reflect on the support and love you’ve received from your family. That’s awesome. More than lucky, you’re blessed. Your comments about your family believing it’s not your fault and you not being able to convince yourself of that says so much for you. Loved your honesty and realness here, along with your worries associated with re-entry and potential failure. All valid and incredibly sincere. Your family is blessed because of you as well.
Anyway, this is fantastic news, Dale. We’re incredibly happy for you. Hopefully you’ll still find time to post. Would love to hear about the adventures of this turn in the road for you. Hopefully there are many.
Thanks Susan, you are a perfect example of one thing I am good at. Choosing friends.
Hi Dale! I’m a litte behind in reading email….So happy to hear this news for you! Congratulations!!! Even though you have lost some “friends” during this process, you have to be grateful for the new ones you have made and will make now at your new place of employment. God is taking you on a new journey. And I know I would be scared if I was going on a new one, but we have to trust him to the best of our ability. I hope you still will find the time to write and share with us. I for one would miss it. Hope your week is going well at work!
Kathy
Thank you Kathy! I hope to still sit down and write some things when the inspiration hits me. Thanks so much for continuing to read!!