No Second Chance

Home alone Friday evening, I was sitting on the couch watching television when at about 6:30 the doorbell rang.  I don’t like when the door bell rings, because rarely when I open it do I find someone on the other side who I actually want to see.  My doorbell ringing visitors normally fall into one of three categories; 1) The political candidate looking for my support.  I politely accept their literature, tell them I’m planning on voting for them and wish them the best of luck.  Technically that’s probably going to turn out to be a lie.  I haven’t made any such plans about their candidacy, but it gets them off of my doorstep quickly and everyone walks away happy.  2) The solicitor.  Regardless of what they’re selling, my pat answer is that I gave at the office.  Although I only count this as one lie, I suppose it could be considered two.  I didn’t really give at the office because I currently don’t have an office.  However the genius of this response is that the person can’t figure out a way to sell me something I supposedly already have, so this also gets them off of my porch rather quickly.  This scenario leaves only one of us happy, but the good thing is that it’s me.  3) The Jehovah’s Witnesses.  This is a tough one.  There’s almost no way of getting them to leave quickly.  I thank them for wanting to save my soul and let them know that just 20 years ago Jesus knocked on my door and informed me that He had already taken care of that for me, so I’m good to go…..so to speak.  I’m able to look them in the eye and say it with a straight face because thankfully that one actually is the truth.  Having said that, I hate to admit this.  If God measured the amount of times I tell the truth to people who knock on my door the same way statisticians measure baseball batting averages, I’d be hitting .333 and considered to be a super star.  Unfortunately He doesn’t so, I’m not.

Friday’s visitor was a solicitor.  At first when I opened the door I didn’t see anyone.  Not until I looked down did I see the pint sized salesman.  A little kid about ten years old looked up at me and said, “Hey mister, can I mow your lawn?”  He was a cute little twerp, very polite.  I was a couple of days tardy in mowing the yard so it did need it.  This should have been a no brainer, but without even giving it a thought I said, “No thanks, I mow it myself.”  He said, “Okay.” and walked away looking kind of dejected.

I sat back down to watch more television and began to think of all the times I went door to door asking people if I could mow their lawns or shovel their sidewalks and wondered why kids don’t do that anymore.  Maybe I thought, it was because adults like me don’t give them the chance.  I rushed to the door, ran outside, and looked up and down the block.  I wanted to say, “Come back you cute little freckle faced kid, I’ll let you mow my lawn.”  But I was too late.  He was gone.

I have to admit that I was disappointed in myself.  Many of us, and that includes me, like to talk about how kids just aren’t the same as they used to be.  That usually means they’re not as polite or as hard working as we think that we were.  To a certain extent, that may be true.  But what’s just as true, what we need to face up to, is that a lot of adults aren’t the same as they used to be either.  Many adults back in “our day” would have been smart enough to let that kid mow his lawn, understood the importance of allowing him to do it.  Not only that, they would have let him mow it whether the lawn needed mowing or not.  Then when he was done, they would have paid him and probably given him a glass of lemonade to boot.

I want a second chance. I want that kid to come back and ask me again.  But he won’t, because my house is now the one where the guy who mows his own lawn lives.  As the saying goes, you only get one chance to make a first impression.

Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Someplace Else

There’s a book that came out a number of years ago titled, ‘Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.  It was on the best seller list for 121 weeks and sold over 50 million copies, none of those copies was sold to me.  Being somewhat narrow minded I never felt  the need to spend money on a book that was going to tell me what I already knew; that is, that men and women think differently.  I first realized this when I was about 10 years old. 

My parents bought me a model car kit to build.  It was a 1955 Chevy, and I spent days assembling that plastic beauty.  I carefully painted it, applied, removed, and reapplied the decals so that the pinstripes would look perfectly even, made sure the wheels rolled just right; then when I was all done and satisfied that it looked perfect, I decided to use my dad’s lighter to set the front of the car on fire in order to make it appear as if it had been in a horrible crash.  As a flame rose from the right front fender, the car began to melt.  Hot plastic, like molten lava dripped onto my right index finger. (the scar is still visible 48 years later)  When I threw the car into the air and screamed, my mom ran in, took one look at what was going on and calmly said, “Dale, sometimes you don’t use the brains you were born with.”  Feeling proud that she was giving me credit for having any brains at all, I took her statement as a compliment.  Not until my brother explained that she was calling me a dumb little kid, did I realize that by not taking offense at her comment I was actually making her point for her.  Personal experience more than any book ever could, led me to the understanding that men and women sometimes do not communicate their thoughts very well.

Last week on Facebook I posted the following;

Recently added to my list of things not to ask (say to) your wife. “What do you think I am, stupid or something?” Guys, the mere fact that you felt compelled to ask this question in the first place, should be a good indication that you both already think you know the answer. Just let it go. Keep Quiet, Keep Calm, and Move On.

Going forward, as a public service to all of my male friends I will periodically post more of my ‘Things not to ask (say to) your wife’  Not because I think any of us are stupid, just because we can always use helpful reminders to prevent us from saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

‘Things not to ask (say to) your wife’ # 2

You’re lying on the couch and just to make conversation you say;

“The sump pump made a weird noise when I tested it the other day, it may be time to put in a new one, after all it is 20 years old”

Here’s what she heard;

“The sump pump is completely trashed and the basement is likely to flood tomorrow morning.  I’d better run to Lowes, pick up everything I need to replace it and start working on it right away!  The fact that it hasn’t rained in 2 and a half months and the Doppler radar shows clear skies all the way from the coast of Japan, is irrelevant, you can’t be too careful with these crazy weather patterns.  Besides, there’s nothing better to do and I don’t really care that the football game is tied at 27 going into the fourth quarter, because it’s a boring game anyway.  And even though I’ve never put one of these in before I’m sure I’ll be done in a jiffy.  How hard could it be?  Maybe if I get done early enough I can start on that three season room that we talked about building 7 years ago.”

Important Note:  Guys, this does not only apply to sump pumps.  It can happen with any household repair; garbage disposals, garage door openers, anything.  Therefore, if you don’t plan on doing the job immediately, just shut up!