For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
To everyone, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas.
Dale
Month: December 2012
I Don’t Like Wrapping But I Do Like Vike!
Like most guys, I’ve never been a big fan of wrapping presents. I used to try and do all of my Christmas shopping at the mall for the sole purpose of taking advantage of the free wrapping they provide. While the recipients of my generous gift giving might not always get exactly what they wanted, they couldn’t help but walk away from the experience without acknowledging how beautiful their present looked prior to opening it.
Then an amazing thing happened that changed my entire outlook on this once tedious task. Last Tuesday I went to the dentist to have some teeth pulled. Not one or two, but a number of them. I left his office swollen and in pain. Gauze pads shoved in my cheeks made me look like a plus size gerbil who had somehow learned to master the art of walking upright. However, blood, sweat, and tears weren’t the only thing I headed home with. I was also sent away with prescription medication. 500 MG of Penicillin, 800 MG Ibuprofen, and 750 MG Vicodin.
Never having taken Vicodin before I did a little reading up on it so I could know what to expect. I found that it is an extremely effective pain killer that gives an amazing euphoric high. Also, if I wanted to try and snort it, the results would be slightly more powerful and would take effect much faster. Mental note made. Taking all three medications at once, I laid back and waited anxiously for pretty shapes and colors to begin floating in front of me. The thought of that happening made me giggle like an excited 5th grade school girl. Unfortunately the only thing that happened was that the medicine knocked me out cold, as if someone had clunked me on the head with a wooden mallet. The next thing I remember after taking the pills was startling myself awake with an extremely loud snoring noise and the feeling of drool running down the side of my face. No euphoria but a very good nights sleep.
The next day my son Anthony (who wraps worse than I do) and I decided to get our present wrapping done. Because my teeth, or at least the places where my teeth used to be were killing me I decided to pop another Penicillin, Ibuprofen, and Vicodin tablet. I also chased those three down with some blood pressure medication. Hoping the medicine wouldn’t put me into another coma, it was time to rock and roll! We went downstairs turned on the Christmas tree lights laid everything in the middle of the floor and got started.
I began to feel a little, I don’t know, strange. I asked Anthony where all of the wrapping paper was. “It’s those big roles right in front of you Dad. Unless you’re looking for the one with the little snowmen. In that case, you’ll have to get up because your sitting on it.” Ha, I was sitting on the snowman paper! Funny! Spotting the scotch tape dispenser I stuck it to my ear and said, “Look Son, I’m listening to my tapes!” He never even cracked a smile but I thought it was hysterical. I was still laughing when I caught sight of my hands. It was like they weren’t even mine. They appeared to be just floating out in front of me and suddenly they had paper in them. They were folding and creasing and creasing and folding. They moved with the precision of an expert trained in the art of origami. My hands had practically become an origami machine!
I yelled at my son to look, I wanted him to share in this amazing thing that was taking place, but he was too busy cursing himself for cutting another sheet of paper too small to cover the present he was trying to wrap.
This was incredible, these hands were mine and they were wrapping a Christmas gift quickly and with precision accuracy! I was like a gift wrapping Ninja! I shouted, “Tape Anthony, I need the tape quick!”
“It’s still hanging from your ear Dad.”
Grabbing the tape from the side of my head, I secured the paper and threw my arms into the air like you see rodeo cowboys do when they have completed roping a calf and want to let the timer know to stop the clock. “Finished!” I screamed, as a huge smile came across my face.
“Look at this Son!”
“That looks really crappy Dad.”
Grinning from ear to ear I said, “That’s funny!”
Connecticutt
In the wake of yesterdays tragic events at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown Connecticut, two topics, as they always do when tragedy’s like this happen, will once again dominate discussions; God and gun control.
I have always struggled with the gun control issue. Gun violence is a very real and growing threat in this country. And while I believe there should be tighter controls and harsher penalties for weapons violations I am still waiting for someone to explain to me how we will keep guns away from the bad guys. Common sense tells you that if someones goal is to slaughter dozens of innocent people, they are not going to be overly concerned with violating a gun control law. Laws deter people like you and me, they don’t deter people like Adam Lanza, or Eric Harris, or Dylan Klebold. So as a country we can make all of the laws we want to, but we should not fool ourselves into thinking those laws will prevent the truly violent from committing violent acts. These people are not concerned with laws, they are concerned with the destruction of human lives including their own. No man made law will prevent them from at the very least, attempting to carry out their plan. If my saying this makes you think that I do not trust our elected officials to effectively make laws to protect us, you would be correct. I don’t. No laws can be made to govern what is in someones heart.
I do however trust in God.
In the coming days you will certainly hear, if you haven’t already, someone ask, “How could God allow this to happen?” You may even hear, “How could YOUR God allow this to happen?” As if HE is your own personal deity who you created to do your will. If I am asked this question I will have to answer honestly, “I don’t know.” That’s the truth, I really don’t. But here is what I do know;
We are becoming a nation that is so overconfident in our own abilities, so buoyed by our intellect that we truly believe we need no one but ourselves. As a result we refuse to build a relationship with God. Yet we are also so arrogant that we feel HE owes us an explanation as to why things happen. HE owes it to us to tell us HIS plan.
The truth is that God does not answer to us, we answer to HIM. And until we understand that, until we begin to follow God’s law, there will never be a gun law strong enough to protect us.
Trust in God, hug your loved ones, and understand that sometimes it’s all you can do.
Sweet Dreams
I woke up this morning to the pitter patter of raindrops above my head. Knowing we had just had the roof replaced it made me smile, the family would now stay safe and dry. It put me in a surprisingly good mood.
I hopped into the shower and when I got out, wrapped a towel around my waist. What’s this? It fit! It wrapped all the way around! For the first time in months I didn’t look like a masculine Polynesian girl in a sarong with one hairy leg hanging out of the slit. It appeared that watching what I’ve been eating was finally beginning to pay off.
Fighting the urge of wanting to walk around in a towel all day long I went to my closet and put on a pair of jeans. They buttoned! I didn’t even have to do the “Stretchy Pants Dance.” Some of you must know the routine I’m talking about. The one where you pull the jeans above your navel, stick your stomach out as far as it will go in order to make the waist band stretch, sit down like that in order to stretch the jeans a little further, then stand up and see if they feel better when you reposition them where they should be. I didn’t have to do that this morning! In fact they almost felt loose, so I grabbed a belt and lo and behold fastened it into the second hole rather than the first. I was on cloud nine!
I went to the kitchen for my morning cup of coffee, turned on my computer and when I opened my email found that three companies had sent me a message wanting to set up an interview. I don’t think I could have had a bigger grin on my face if I had tried.
Whistling all of the way, I stepped out into the rain drops to retrieve my morning paper. The paper was wrapped in plastic and also placed inside the newspaper box!! It was in tact and dry! Inside the plastic was also a Christmas card with a candy cane attached. The card read, “To one of my favorite customers. Happy Holidays! Your Carrier.
Could the day get any better? This was all too good to be true it seemed like a dream.
Then I opened the paper and read the headline, Cubs Win World Series! Oh no, two things immediately came to mind, First was that they don’t play baseball in December. Second, it was the Cubs.
I tried hard not to wake up but to no avail. Suddenly my eyes popped open and I realized there was no pitter patter of rain on the roof. So these were the kind of dreams I could expect to have after eating a bowl of Mackinac Island Fudge Ice Cream with caramel fudge topping right before bed?
I got up and dragged myself into the bathroom to take a shower, trying not to catch a glimpse of myself as I walked past the full length mirror. I stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist…… it fit! I pinched myself. Was I still dreaming? No, this time I was sure that I was wide awake. Yes!!!! It fits!!!
Then I heard my wife’s voice from outside the bathroom door. “How do you like the new towels I just bought?”
Actually, I like them!
Catch more stupid stuff on twitter @dalemassaro
The Price Of Vanity
To what length would you go in order to enhance your appearance? Liposuction, plastic surgery? For me it’s just the purchase of a good nose and ear hair trimmer.
It is so difficult for a middle aged guy to stay well groomed. You wake up one morning and realize you have hair growing everywhere. Your eyebrows look like two furry caterpillars marching across your forehead. When you sneeze, the hair in your nose appears to be some kind of party favor like the ones kids blow into at a 5 year olds birthday bash. The amount growing out of your ears could be used as a comb over, not to mention the cute baby soft wisps sticking out of your back and shoulders. This is the kind of thing, that left unattended, causes you to appear older and less attractive than you really are.
So, being somewhat vain, (I’ll pause here to give those of you who know me a second to scratch your head, cock it to the side like a puzzled puppy dog, and wonder exactly what I have to vain about) is what causes me to try and keep those wild hairs in check. This vanity is what makes a nose and ear hair trimmer an essential weapon in every mans bathroom arsenal.
Sadly, my old trimmer bit the dust the other day. While it had given me many months of loyal service, it became obvious that it’s days of trimming bushy orifice hair were over. It was just not performing like it used to. Age, as it does with so many of us had finally taken it’s toll. I felt as if I were losing an old friend. He had never nicked, cut, pulled or snagged me. He had performed a thankless job admirably and was always there when I needed him. Gently I laid him in the bathroom waste basket, and with a heavy heart I drove to Walmart in search of his replacement.
A sense of loyalty made me want to buy the exact same trimmer, however finding that it was unavailable, I began to look through all of the other makes and models. A shiny silver one caught my eye, it looked like a real beauty. I read the package, Patented precision technology guarantees not to pull hairs, Rotary blades spin at 10,000 rpm to safely remove hair, Eyebrow Attachment Comb. This was the one I had to have! This was the one that was going to set me apart from all of you other neanderthals out there. I couldn’t wait for the hair to start growing in tufts out of my ears and nose again. Never was I so excited about having bushy eyebrows!
Finally the day arrived. I turned on my new “Hack-O-Matic 2000” or what ever it was called, and was startled to find that it didn’t have the same familiar whirring sound as my old trimmer. The rotary blades didn’t at all sound as if they were spinning at 10,000 RPM’s. Trying to convince myself the different sound was due to it’s, Patented precision technology, I took a chance and shoved it up my nose. The resulting pain struck me like an electric shock. It cut a few hairs and ripped the rest out by their roots. Startled, I pulled the trimmer out of my nose, but instead of breaking it in half like I should have, I foolishly attempted to trim a stray eyebrow hair. Forgetting to put on the handy eyebrow attachment, and with my eyes still watering from the recent nose hair extraction, I couldn’t see clearly and nearly took off about half of my eyebrow. Patented precision technology my butt, the Hack-O-Matic 2000 was maiming me. I was done! One eyebrow would have to remain bushy and my ear hairs were just going to have to continue to grow wild until I looked for a different trimmer. Either that or risk looking like Vincent Van Gogh.
So what is the cost of vanity? Apparently for me it’s walking around town with part of an eyebrow missing.
Small price to pay if you ask me.
The Discussion
It started so innocently, as these things often do. Me minding my own business at the kitchen counter cutting up some green peppers and onions for a dinner recipe. My wife and daughter at the kitchen table having a pleasant conversation. My grandson Leland belting out an occasional blood curdling scream from the comfort of his bouncy seat. For a few minutes, all seemed good. Then I heard my daughter say, “I don’t want to argue about this mom!” Obviously I hadn’t been paying attention to their conversation. Where had this argument statement come from? Where ever this was headed I already knew it wasn’t going to end well for me. My fears were not alleviated when I heard my wife answer. “We’re not arguing, we’re discussing.” Past experience tells me that when my wife says we’re having a discussion, an argument is imminent. Kind of like when the National Anthem is played before a sporting event. The real action is soon to follow.
I began to go into defense mode, squeezing myself further into the corner of the kitchen as the “discussion” continued. At this point some of you may be wondering why I am so concerned. After all, the disagreement, whatever it is, is between my wife and daughter. It has nothing to do with me, right? Well, wait for it.
I’m chopping away, trying to listen while acting like I’m not listening, hoping that avoiding eye contact with either one of them will keep me out of the “discussion.” It sounds like something about my daughters school work. But missing the beginning of their conversation, coupled with the fact that I’m now chopping away so furiously I can’ hear myself think, makes it difficult for me to piece things together. However, one thing does come through loud and clear. I hear my wife say, “Your father and I have already discussed this.”
This is not good. Obviously the battle has escalated and with my name now being dragged into it, the bombs are dropping closer to my boarder. I feel like my wife and daughter are the United States and the Soviet Union in the 1960’s and I’m just wimpy France trying to stay neutral and not get involved. To prevent being dragged into the fracas any further, I consider a diversionary tactic, like taking off the tip of a finger with my vegetable knife. An injury during a family “discussion” can usually at the very least, delay the inevitable argument. I know that may seem extreme to some of you, but believe me, a bit of physical discomfort is preferable to being dragged into one of my wife and daughter’s “discussions.” Thankfully things have not yet reached DEFCON 1 status.
The next thing I hear changes all of that. Up until now, the “discussion” has not been clear to me. It’s been kind of like someone scanning through radio stations. The whole thing has been a little out of tune. Now it’s like the dial stopped on a clear channel station when I hear my wife say to me, “Dale, didn’t we just talk about this the other day?!”
Everybody get down! Incoming! We’re under attack! DEFCON 1!!! My brain starts to race through all of my possible responses. If I say “Yes, we talked about it.” I have now willingly entered the battle. That’s a bad choice. If I say “No, we didn’t talk about it.” That will start a whole new “discussion” in which I now become the focal point. That choice is worse. The truth is, since I’m not even sure what she’s talking about, I really don’t know if we discussed it or not.
I’m trapped behind enemy lines with no way to escape. I’m about to surrender when all of a sudden I hear someone, that would be me, shout “DAMMIT, I CUT MYSELF!!!!”
Ahhh, Divine Intervention.
Christmas Movies
Here, listed in no particular order are 10 of my favorite movies for the Christmas season. If there is one on this list that you haven’t seen, give it a try. Also, how about some feedback. Tell me some of your favorites.
Elf -The interaction between Will Ferrel and Faizon Love, the actor who plays Elf’s boss at Gimbels department store is hilarious! Elf’s innocence is something that you can’t help but love.
White Christmas – Every time I watch it I close my eyes and try to wish myself onto that train going to Vermont with Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, Rosemary Clooney, and Vera-Ellen. I like these people.
It’s a Wonderful Life – There is a great lesson about self worth to be learned from this movie. But I have to turn my eyes away every time Uncle Billy walks into the bank and loses that money. It really bothers me.
Jingle All the Way – The trials and tribulations of a dad’s attempt to get his son the seasons most popular Christmas toy. If you are a parent, you can probably relate to this movie. And the scene where Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad are in the department store trying to gain possession of that last “Turbo Man” always cracks me up.
A Bishops Wife – Sitting down with a cup of coffee in front of the fire place watching this movie just has a calming effect on me. The only way I can explain it is that there must truly be angels among us.
I’ll Be Home for Christmas – This movie is for my wife, she really enjoys it. For me it brings back memories of taking our kids who were 5 and 9 years old at the time to see it at the theater.
The Santa Claus – One of my favorite scenes is Tim Allen as Santa, walking down a hallway with his elves while ZZ Top’s Gimmee All Your Lovin plays in the background. Makes me want to get up and dance.
The Christmas Story – Can you remember the one special toy that as a kid you just had to have? I actually did get a BB gun. And believe it or not I almost shot my eye out in an accident very similar to Ralphie’s.
Miracle on 34th Street – Watch the original. If the Postal Service, a branch of the United States government believes that Edmund Gwenn is the real Santa Claus, who am I to argue.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation – It’s the gift that keeps on giving. It’s just that funny! And if you don’t get at least a little choked up when Chevy Chase accidentally gets locked in the attic and watches those old home Christmas movies, you’d better check your pulse. Mele Kalikimaka is Hawaii’s way to say “Merry Christmas to you.”