Sitting in front of my computer on the eve of this bad dream finally coming to an end, I can’t help but think back on the last 25 months and wonder, “Is it really over?”
I’ll return to work tomorrow with dozens of questions going through my mind; Will I like the people? Will I like the job? How long before I’m not considered the new guy anymore? The biggest question however is this; After over two years of unemployment, will I still be able to perform as well as I once did.
Let me back up a minute; Technically this isn’t my first time back to work, I was employed for three days last week. After going for so long without a single job offer, I finally received one about two weeks ago from a place I’ll call Company A. I immediately accepted the position, and while I didn’t continue to look for employment, I still had some active applications floating around out there. As (luck?) would have it, after Company A hired me I received two more offers in rapid succession. I have a friend who always assured me that one day this would happen, and another who warned me that God has a weird sense of humor when it comes to these types of things. How each of them knew this I don’t know, but they both turned out to be correct. Already employed by Company A, I rejected offer number 2 from Company B. However, offer number 3 from Company C was one that I really felt drawn to, I honestly believe it’s where God was leading me, and because of that, it’s where I’ll attempt to resurrect my career tomorrow morning. Still, in the course of an embarrassing and difficult resignation meeting with my new ex-boss at Company A, I kept asking myself, “Dale, how can you work 33 years with one company and 3 days with the next? Even though I had another job already lined up, it felt wrong to let one go after struggling for so long to get it. It scared me then and it still frightens me now. Apparently fear is the mindset of the unemployed.
For the last two years I’ve wanted to write a post about how it feels to suddenly find yourself out of work, explain to everyone whose never experienced it, what it feels like. The problem is I can’t do justice to the emotions. It’s hard to explain how you feel when overnight your job is no longer buying widgets, your job is now finding a job.
Instead of waking up at 5:30 AM, taking a shower, grabbing a cup of coffee, getting in your car, and heading for the office, worry wakes you up at 2:30 AM. You walk to the kitchen, punch a wall, grab a cup of coffee, turn on the computer, and begin to look for jobs that at some point you become convinced you’re not going to get anyway. Your search becomes a routine rather than a quest.
Your days off are no longer special or fun because everyday is your day off.
You apply for dozens of jobs a week and still feel guilty that you haven’t tried hard enough. If you’re lucky, you have a family like mine, who continually encourages you and reassures you that none of this is your fault, but you can never seem to convince yourself that it’s the truth.
While you dearly love the friends who will call just to see how you’re doing, you can’t help but obsess over the ones who long ago stopped calling.
In nearly every conversation, you find yourself talking about the fact that you can’t find a job. You honestly don’t want to bring up the subject because you know everyone is tired of it, they’ve heard it from you a hundred times. Your mind is telling you to “Shut up!” but your mouth just keeps moving, you can’t help yourself because you’re consumed by it.
As badly as you need a job, part of you doesn’t want one for fear of failure. Your confidence has eroded, there’s an uneasiness in re-entering the work force; What if this happens to me again?
The list goes on and on.
Unemployment can destroy lives in so many ways. Some, like me, are fortunate enough to eventually find work again, but there are also those who’ve literally died trying. If you know someone in this struggle, pick up the phone and call them. They’ll be happy to know they haven’t been forgotten.